Gentle Reader -- You are welcome to peruse my web-based journal. I assure you that my contributions to this medium will be both infrequent and inconsequential. Read on!

Who's a cow's favorite French existentialist writer?

Ca-MOOO!

(Oh, har dee har. It hurts me.) posted by Carlton at 8:57 AM

I met a really fabulous woman Saturday night, in the process of going out with some friends to hear a band play. No action there, of course, since she is dating someone. But it is nice to have that electric feeling that you get when you meet someone new who you sense is a special person. It just lets you know that you are still alive . . . posted by Carlton at 10:26 PM

PILGRIM'S PROGRESS

I think I have reached the stage in life where progress has become a distinct unreality. By that I mean that the external measures that one uses to gauge one's progress are suddenly meaningless. There's always academic progression, whether one is a freshman or a senior, whether one is still doing coursework or is ABD, or whether one is a 1L or a 3L. I've worked within all of these frameworks, and I and all my friends have been taught to measure our places in life by the station along the track where our train is currently stopped.

It goes on, of course. I am a first-year associate in this law firm where I work. In a few months (unbelievably), I will make the significant yet invisible transition to a second-year. At some point, if the Hutch and I can agree that I should continue to work there, I may make the transition to partner. Each of these transitions is just shimmying one's way up a totem pole; upon reaching the top, one makes the giant leap to the very bottom of the next one.

This endless upward progression fills me with ambivalence. On a daily level, of course, I don't think about this. I am set tasks and challenges which are interesting and difficult (or at least difficult), and I get a charge out of learning about new areas, etc. But you know, I find myself asking what I think of as the Big Question: What's it all for?

There's money involved, of course -- I am looking forward to a very comfortable living. And also, I am really interested in the subject matter with which I work, which is very stimulating, intellectually, and I like my co-workers. All well and good.

But I just don't see the purpose in worryng so much about where you are between point A and point B. If you think about it, point B is death -- an ultimate negation of whatever you may have accomplished along the way. The sum of my life will be collapsed into an undetectable object without dimension; if I am lucky, some archaeologist will put my skull on display as an example of how the people of my time treated their teeth.
No one will care about whether I was a National Merit Finalist. (I was, by the way.)

No moral to this story, just some existential rumination. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may die. posted by Carlton at 10:22 PM

So, who's a worthless sack of shit today? Me! Me!

I keep muttering this to myself under my breath at work -- I do a lot of muttering to myself, these days. For some reason, this makes me laugh. I do a lot of laughing to myself for no reason, these days. posted by Carlton at 8:49 AM

Here is a little something about what it's like to be a single guy in this brave new world we live in. I have not had the same "experience" as this fellow. Less traffic, overall. posted by Carlton at 11:40 AM

OK kids, here's the scoop: The Alison Krauss concert which I mentioned in my earlier post was the BEST CONCERT I have been to in my ENTIRE SHORT LIFE. I'm not kidding -- I was sitting there in my seat and a little voice inside my head was saying something like "Yippie!" the whole way through.

You may all know who this woman is, but here's a short resume: Alison Krauss is a singer and fiddle player in a style she refers to as "traditional music", which is sometimes catalogued as "country" or "folk" or "bluegrass" or even "gospel". She is featured on the "O Brother, Where Art Thou" soundtrack, and members of Union Station also sometimes go by the moniker "The Soggy Bottom Boys". Together, they perform and record both traditional songs and new songs written in the style. They are great.

I attribute the greatness of this concert to 3 factors:

1. It was just great, period -- they are marvelous performers in their style, which I love. This style they have been performing in for years and years has suddenly gotten hot, but they have been good for a long time.

2. I had the most amazing seat. I bought my ticket at the very last minute (I could only get one), and it was marked "Obstructed View". I ended up sitting in the very front row off to the side, and I could touch the stage with my foot. The only thing obstructed about the view was that I couldn't see the back wall of the theater because of all those performers in front of it. It was a kind of strange view -- I was looking UP at the musicians, but I was close enough to see the silver tips of Alison's boots. The encore involved the musicians coming up to special microphones set at a corner of the stage -- my corner. I was much closer to these performers than I customarily am to the driver of my bus in the morning.

3. Alison is the most charming person I have ever seen. I have listened to her music for a while, but I had never seen a very good picture of her or heard her speak before tonight. In addition to being a very attractive person (the phrases "adorable" and "cute as a button" come to mind), Alison has the most disarming onstage manner I have ever seen. It's difficult to describe, but she has this ability to make it seem like she's sitting and talking with you in your living room, even though she's onstage and you are in a sold-out 500-seat theater. It wasn't just me getting a schoolboy-type crush, either -- I heard all types of people remarking on it as we left the theater. One small example: At te beginning of the show, someone yelled something unintelligible from the audience. Alison made a face, as though someone's litte brother had handed her a frog, and said "Well, we'll just pretend like what you said was something nice." You probably had to be there.

Add all this to the fact that the last concerts I have been to have been pretty cruddy, and I am a very happy guy. I saw Natalie Merchant and Nanci Griffith this year, both of whom I used to LOVE. Unfortunately, now they both suck. Natalie Merchant's concert was programmed along the lines of "Let's play one old 10,000 Maniacs song that's a little peppy and follow it with five or six tortuous, ponderous, pretentiously overblown ballads." (The crowd seemed to like it, however.) Nanci -- oh Nanci, she used to write great country songs about women who were done wrong and left their men and went off to sing country songs about women who were done wrong and left their men. I LOVED that. Now she's writing songs about landmine removal in Cambodia -- big yawn.

Yippie! posted by Carlton at 12:09 AM

Today has been a good day, after a succession of bad ones. I took my bike to the shop, where they explained to me that it wasn't really broken, but that I am just an ignorant BoBo with a bike I don't understand. They also told me that I should keep it cleaner -- jerks. (None of this was in so many words, you understand.) So then, I had a bike -- I got on that sucker and rode for a couple of hours, just around the Brighton/Brookline/Boston/Cambridge area. Along the way, I stopped and had a Super Burrito at Anna's Taqueria, truly one of the great things about living in this burg. Tonight, I have a ticket to go see Alison Krauss and Union Station at the Orpheum. Yeah, baby.

posted by Carlton at 1:34 PM

EDIT THIS

For all you teachers out there -- this is the way the paragraph is supposed to be.

Marital Deduction Amount. The Marital Deduction Amount shall be an amount equal to the minimum marital deduction amount which, after the use of all credits and other deductions available to the Grantor’s estate for federal estate tax purposes, will result in the least possible federal tax upon his estate (provided, however, that the federal credit for state death taxes shall not be used so as to increase the estate tax payable in any state), such amount to be reduced by the value of all items that qualify for the federal estate tax marital deduction and that pass or have passed to the Grantor’s wife other than pursuant to this Article. The Trustees shall base their computations upon values as finally determined for federal estate tax purposes. The Trustees may use cash or property or a combination thereof, but any property shall be distributed at market values current at the time of distribution. To the extent possible, only property that is eligible for both the federal and any state estate tax marital deductions shall be used to fund the Marital Distribution. posted by Carlton at 6:58 PM

SOME PEOPLE HAVE IT ROUGH

My friend Claire has been world-travelling for a couple of years now. She emails me periodically, just to gloat (not really). Here's a part of her latest update:

Anyway, I leave Australia for good in about 2 weeks
time and will arrive home in mid July having hopefully
made it overland from Kuala Lumpur through Malaysia,
Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, China, Mongolia, Russia,
then Scandinavia…!! Should be a pretty amazing trip.
Let me know how you are going some time
Love Claire

How am I doing? Just fine . . . .

posted by Carlton at 9:46 AM

TAX DAY

To quote James Brown: "Que pasa, people? Que pasa? Help me!"

Here's a link to a spot on www.irs.gov that addresses some spurious arguments some people make about why they don't have to pay income taxes. Just remember: it's not what you have to pay, it's what you get to keep that matters. Everyone should hope they have to pay millions of dollars in income tax over their lifetime.

Unfortunately, this page is no longer in a format that is so easy to read on the computer. Damn those bureaucrats! posted by Carlton at 10:29 PM

ANOTHER COUNTRY

As long as I'm telling stories about Budapest, here's another one. (I want to keep Nichole reading, you see.)

At Thanksgiving during our year in Budapest, my housemate Nichole and I were invited to a expat American party given by a woman named Rose who was in Hungary on a Fullbright scholarship. We didn't know her very well, but she was kind enough to cook a big turkey and open her flat to all the Americans that were around, as well as some Irish people. In fact, I had never met Rose until I reached her apartment.

I was in the kitchen by myself, hacking myself a few more shreds of white meat (the turkey was a bit on the dry side), when Rose herself appeared. She was a very nice woman, short with dark hair and glasses, extremely "womanly" (as my Polish friend Hanouschka would say -- Rose was having an argument with her dress about whether or not it could contain her bosom). Not knowing each other, we struck up a conversation, exchanged pleasantries, personal info.

"Where are you from?" she asked.
"I'm originally from Mississippi," I replied, and gritted my teeth. The Americans I knew had all been giving me a hard time about my home state for some weeks, and I dreaded what people would inevitably say when I said the name.
"Faulkner country," said Rose. I, having this big complex about my home state, was so ready to hear an insult that I misinterpreted what she said to be "Fuck your country." (That really wouldn't make any sense, of course, even if it had been what she said, which it wasn't.)
"Fuck your country," I responded, immediately.

Rose and I stared at each other for a long moment, there in the kitchen. "See you later," she said, and went into the other room. We did not speak again. I was too embarassed to try to explain.

Can you imagine -- this woman invites me into her home in a completely selfless gesture, and I respond with nonsensical profanity!
posted by Carlton at 10:09 PM

SINGLE IN THE AUGHTS

This story is either a tale of inexplicable co-incidence or one of those Forrest Gump-like "innocent narrator" things where the reader instantly knows more than the schmuck telling the story. I'm the schmuck -- and I may very well be a bona fide, Solid Gold Dancer schmuck. You be the judge.

All right -- imagine a story in which boy meets girl, doesn't matter how -- through school, work, at a party, whatever. Boy takes an interest in girl, gets her phone number through some machination or another, calls and asks her out. She agrees to go. They go out, have dinner, some drinks, what seems like a very nice time. Maybe they go out more than once. Maybe a little G-to-PG rated affection transpires and maybe it doesn't.

On the second or third time the boy and girl go out, the boy and girl end up back at the boy's place, sitting on his couch, talking and listening to music. Nice music, nice conversation.
"I think I should tell you something," she says, just in the middle of all this. "I'm seeing someone."
Needless to say, it's all downhill from there. Conversation thereafter is a little forced; she hangs around just long enough that it is completely awkward without seeming like she just dropped the bomb and ran out, the end.

Why, Gentle Reader, do I pause and relate this story of the boy and the girl? Almost this exact scenario has happened to me not once but THREE TIMES in this calendar year (with me as the boy -- a role I was born to play).

I do not wish to imply that I cannot take rejection. Gentle Reader, your humble correspondant has been rejected by women of all types, for all different reasons and in such myriad different styles and manners that I would have to write a grant proposal and get some interns if I wanted to catalogue them all.
My all-time favorite, just by way of illustration, came from an American student I knew in Budapest -- are you reading this Nichole? -- that we knew informally as Math Whiz Liz. I had Math Whiz Liz over at my apartment, agreeing to spend the night, taking off several pieces of her clothing and allowing me to "tuck her in". At some point in our "tucking in" converation, when I was just getting myself together to make my move, Liz says to me, "Carlton, I sense that you are attracted to me. I have to tell you, I'm not attracted to you at all." Wow. I later formulated a theory as to why this was so -- but I just can't say it, and it doesn't matter anyway.

So I am capable of handling rejection. In fact, I think that up-front rejection is really the way to go, rather than dinking around and stringing someone along. Were it just rejection, then, I could handle it. The "I have a boyfriend" thing is really confusing, because it is ambiguous. Here are some problems I have with the whole thing:

1. I asked the girl out on what was obviously a date, and she agreed to go, ostensibly while seeing someone but not willing to see anyone else at the same time. If she really had a boyfriend, that would be a weird thing to do, since the subject would come up eventually. Somewhat implausible, especially three times in a row.

2. If it's a lie to spare my feelings, I'm shocked that the SAME lie would come out of three women who do not know each other in such rapid succession. It's also not a lie that I've heard before -- not that it's amazingly original, of course. Maybe Cosmo recently had a "Top 5 Brush-Off Lines" issue and this was Number One. Very plausible

3. Two of these women went so far as to say, "I'm really sorry, this is just bad timing." The same two said something along the lines of "This relationship I'm in is really strange, and I don't know where it is going." This is either Level 2 of the lie, in which the teller explains why she's going on dates with men other than her boyfriend, or it's a very odd co-incidence. I can believe either one, really.

4. Or, it's the Number 13 Combination Platter. One or two were telling the truth, and the other one or two were lying, for whatever reason. Again, plausible.

Anyway, I'm just grousing. The end result is the same, in any case. Back to hookers and inflatable sea-turtles! posted by Carlton at 10:50 PM

GLAD THAT'S ALL CLEARED UP

Well, that was unpleasant. X is a nice person; I'm sorry I upset her. That's my final word on the matter (hopefully).

On to other things. I'm trying to make an "Alabama" mix, involving (decent) songs about Alabama. So far I have "Sweet Home Alabama" by LS, "Alabama Bound" by Leadbelly, "Alabama" by Neil Young and "Alabama State of Mind" by Shelby Lynne. Greg's our AL scholar, I figure he knows a bunch. I don't want the state song or any such nonsense, but songs you might otherwise spin just cause they are pleasin'. posted by Carlton at 2:03 PM

BEFORE THIS GETS OUT OF HAND

I should clear a couple of things up. X's version of our converation about her wedding is more or less accurate.
X: I'm getting married.
Me: Am I invited?
X: If you want.

I declared that I wanted to be invited. As my post of several weeks ago suggests, I'm somewhat ambivalent about the affair, however. I'm sure it will be a lovely wedding, as these things go. I'd like to see X get married, be happy, etc. If it were just that, however -- me in a room full of X's family and friends, I probably wouldn't have continued in my plans to attend. I mean, if the only person in the room I knew were X, and I'd get to talk to her for about 2 minutes, I don't think it would be too much fun for me. I'd love to see the pictures and hear all about it.

BUT . . . X and I do happen to have at least one mutual friend who would be there, whom I'd love to see (Hi Nichole!). That tipped the scales in favor of going. Also, I have contacted Greg who lives in the area, as does Sharon, and I thought it could be a fun weekend with all kinds of old chums. I think that's a fair spin on things from my angle.

X is pretty incensed about all this, suggesting I could just save her the expense of my invitation, dinner, etc. if all I really wanted to do was see aforesaid chums. Well, sure -- although the prospect of her wedding invitation was what set all this in motion, I figure I could make my way to Pittsburgh without too much hassle on my own. That is certainly true.

Beyond the apologies and explanations I have already made (and I have made them), I don't know what else to do or say here. That's the story, ladies and germs -- I'm sure it's been entertaining for one and all.

One thing, though: I have never, EVER written anything in this space about what I had for breakfast.

posted by Carlton at 12:34 AM

YES, I AM A BAD PERSON

If you've been following this space since its inception, Gentle Reader, you will know that at one point a few weeks ago, I came home drunk and wrote a little note to the world about my ex-girlfriends and their marriages. I deleted it because I was embarassed (and it was a bunch of maudlin claptrap, mostly due to my own miserable lonely existence). Then I put it back up, out of some strange sense of personal integrity. Stupid.

So I was just communicating with one of said ex-girlfriends today, and I sent her the URL of this site. Of course she scrolled through to that EXACT entry -- I certainly wouldn't have sent her to it if I'd remembered it was there. Or, I would have taken it down. I don't mention her by name, of course, but she felt stung by what I wrote.
That really wasn't very nice of me. I think I have been un-invited to her wedding. BUSTED!

Here is some of her response:

"Hmmmm. Where to begin here? This is the perfect medium for our
self-absorbed age. And for you. Everyone is led to believe that he has
something of Great Importance to tell the world, that his innermost secrets,
banal ramblings, or even the contents of his breakfast are so fascinating
that scores of people are just waiting to here about them. Hence "reality
TV" and the popularity of wedding photojournalism (not something you'd know
about, not being in the throes of nuptial planning)--everyone's a celebrity.
. . .

I naively invited you to my wedding because I thought that despite all of
this bullshit, I have something of a fond spot in my heart for you, and I
thought maybe you felt the same. I thought we share largely positive
feelings about one another and a sense of mutual regard and general
goodwill, and that just maybe, you'd be happy for me and say, '________ wasn't
the one for me, but she's a great person and deserves to be happy. I'm glad
she's found someone who appreciates her good qualities.'"

Well, I'm just a big turd. What a mess!

If it's not too late to say it, my friend, If you are reading this: you are a great person and deserve to be happy. I'm glad you've found someone who appreciates your good qualities. I envy the fact that you've found someone whom you think is the One for you -- I'm sure I never will.

So anyway, on with the show. For my next trick, I will lose my job and contract hepatitis C!
posted by Carlton at 6:11 PM

This is the first time I have quoted anything in my blog at length. Forgive me, Gentle Reader:

"This is what you should try for. An attempt upon a crowned head or on a president is sensational enough in a way, but not so much as it used to be. It has entered into the general conception of the existence of all chiefs of state. It's almost conventional -- especially since so many presidents have been assassinated. Now let us take an outrage upon -- say a church. Horrible enough at first sight, no doubt, and yet not so effective as a person of ordinary mind might think. No matter how revolutionary and anarchist in inception, there would be fools enough to give such an outrage the character of a religious manifestation. And that would detract from the especial alarming significance of the act. A murderous attempt on a restaurant or a theatre would suffer in the same way from the suggestion of non-political passion; the exasperation of a hungry man, an act of social revenge. All this is used up; it is no longer instructive as an object lesson in revolutionary anarchism . . . . The sensibilities of the class you are attacking are soon blunted. Property seems to them an indestructible thing. A bomb outrage to have any influence on public opinion now must go beyond the intention of vengeance or terrorism. It must be purely destructive . . . . what is one to say to an act of destructive ferocity so absurd as to be incomprehensible, inexplicable, almost unthinkable; in fact, mad? Madness alone is truly terrifying, inasmuch as you cannot placate it either by threats, persuasion, or bribes."

----- Mr. Vladimir, in Joseph Conrad's *The Secret Agent* (1907).

Think Osama is curled up somewhere with Conrad? What will he unleash on us from *Nostromo*, I wonder? posted by Carlton at 10:39 PM

Scott and Greg have been talking about terrorism -- what it is, what it was, what it shall be. I have two things to say about terrorism:

1. A lot of very smart people from State Departments (or equivalents) around the world have been looking for a workable definition of terrorism for a long time. They couldn't come up with one for the Geneva conventions, they couldn't come up with one in the UN, and they still can't define it. As a famous jurist said: "One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter." Under the UN charter, every nation has a soverign right of self defense -- aren't the Palestinians AND the Israelis exercising that right, simultaneously? Who is the terrorist? In short, there is no definition of "terrorism" in international law. Kind of like obscenity -- certain small areas have been carved out as terrorism. Airplane hijacking is terrorism. Piracy is terrorism, in that it is a crime against international law. Same with cross-border abductions. No one has ever codified in any treaty that suicide bombing is terrorism. There is no consensus. No nation wants to define terrorism because doing so would limit its own freedom of action.

2. As a result of 1, above, you can't declare war on terrorism. Terrorism is not an enemy in itself -- it is a set of techniques, a mode of problem solving or goal attainment (a reprehensible one, but never mind). Just for fun, try substituting a similar concept: "diplomacy". Let's declare war on diplomacy. No one will use diplomacy against us -- we will hunt out the diplomats and kill them. They want to make us change the way we live, therefore they use their diplomacy against us. Why do they hate us so?

Let's declare war in coercion, on persuasion, on seduction. Out president seems to have declared a covert war on criticism already. Terrorism is an immaterial, intangible thing. More than that, it is a mode that every self-identifying group has recourse to, at any time. It is the refuge of the disempowered, the hopeless. Were I hopeless, in the way that some of these people are, would I not reach into the bottom of my bag for the most powerful and deadly weapon available to me? posted by Carlton at 10:23 PM

I was certainly taken in by Mr. Wheaton. Part of it is my belief that those Star Trek guys don't know their asses from a hole in the ground as far as it comes to writing original stories.

So, no one has been fied at my job yet. Still, it's probably on the horizon. To celebrate our continuing employment, some coworkers and I went out and got DRUNK last night. Nothing like Greg waking up in a parking garage in Germany without his passport, of course (I'm past those days, if I ever had them), but I was hurtin' this morning.

All right -- that's all for now, little chickies. Head is hurtin! posted by Carlton at 1:48 PM

I haven't met Zooey, by the way. My friends have, and say she's very nice. Emily was a total sweetheart while I lived with her. posted by Carlton at 8:25 PM

I apologize to my loyal readership for going AWOL as I have. I'm still here in all my normal locales, just moving between them at a greater velocity than is usual. In fact, I have hardly the time to bang out this message.

ENTERPRISE

Two notes: I read Linda Park's (actress) bio link from the Wil Wheaton Website (am I a geek or what?). Turns out she just graduated from Boston University's BFA program. Guess what? *I* just graduated from Boston University, albeit the school of law. So me and this Linda Park, famous TV star, probably stood in line together at the George Sherman Memorial Union Burger King. My brush with fame!

(My REAL brush with fame: One of my former housemates was actress Emily Deschanel, another product of the BU BFA program, who has been on TV a couple of times, including the Stephen King miniseries *Rose Red* -- which came on during that period when I didn't have a TV, unfortunately. I'm sure Emily will be a big star. Her sister, Zooey, was the protagonist's sister in *Almost Famous*. I own a futon I bought from Emily -- my futon is two degrees of separation from Francis McDormand!)

Note two: Wil Wheaton is going to be on Enterprise. My heart sank when I saw that, but I think it could be good. I didn't like the Wesley character in any of his incarnations (though his mom was pretty hot), but i like his website enough to give hima chance. Anyway, one of the good things about Enterprise is that it's not too serious -- though good fun. posted by Carlton at 8:12 PM