Gentle Reader -- You are welcome to peruse my web-based journal. I assure you that my contributions to this medium will be both infrequent and inconsequential. Read on!

GEE, OFFICER KRUPKE

The latest bombing in Iraq helps confirm what I have been thinking for a little while -- the question is not whether the US has control of the situation in Iraq. The answer to that is pretty clear: we do not. What is happening, however is that other forces are forming, interest groups are coalescing around leaders and determining who their enemies are -- and shortly, if not already, the U.S. military will become just one of several powerful forces acting within Iraq. What's worse, we will be the force that doesn't know what's going on.

I don't pretend to know what those forces will be in any detail -- my guesses include Islamic fundamentalists of both the Sunni and Shia varieties, some kind of Iraqi and Kurdish nationalists, non-Arab tribalists, and collaborators (the ones that help us). The membership of these groups will probably be fluid, with average Joes hooking up with whichever one their friends are in, or in the one which opposes whichever one killed his mother, brother, etc.

They will ally with and fight each other on an ad hoc basis. Some will help us; most will not. And we will be totally clueless. posted by Carlton at 11:37 AM

DOOMED SPIES

In a classic move, Saddam may have fooled us before the war by misleading his officials about the WMDs and then allowing them to escape to the West. Well, it worked -- but not in the way I think he intended. Such a devious fellow! Such gullible Americans!

As evidence, officials say former Iraqi operatives have confirmed since the war that Hussein's regime sent "double agents" disguised as defectors to the West to plant fabricated intelligence. In other cases, Baghdad apparently tricked legitimate defectors into funneling phony tips about weapons production and storage sites.

Story in the LA times, though you have to register.

The question is, how many types of spies did he use?

Hence the use of spies, of whom there are five classes: (1) Local spies - Having local spies means employing the services of the inhabitants of an enemy territory; (2) Moles - Having moles means making use of officials of the enemy; (3) Double agents - Ha ving double agents means getting hold of the enemy's spies and using them for our own purposes; (4) Doomed spies - Having doomed spies means doing certain things openly for purposes of deception, and allowing our spies to know of them and report them to t he enemy; (5) Surviving spies - Surviving spies means are those who bring back news from the enemy's camp. posted by Carlton at 12:49 PM

HERE'S WHAT I WANT

Here's what I want to hear John Kerry say:

"The war in Iraq was a mistake. Along with my fellow Senators, I authorized the President to take action, and the action he took was a mistake. Further, the administration of Iraq has been mistake after mistake, and those mistakes have cost our soldiers theur lives."

(If pressed, Kerry should be able to list off 20 or 30 examples of mistakes.)

And then, hammer home his signature line: "As president, I will not ask our soldiers to die for a mistake."

(Wait for applause to die down.)

And then he might say:

"As president, I will do X about the situation of our troops in Iraq. My opponent has shown he is unwilling to do anything."

What is X? Whatever he thinks is the right course. Get us out? Turn it over to the U.N.?

It's a winner. It gets better as Iraq gets worse.
posted by Carlton at 5:01 PM

SUPPORTING THE TROOPS

One shameful thing about this shameful war we are waging in Iraq -- the extent to which we are underequipping our soldiers there.

Forget the niceties, like food, mail, toilets, clean water, etc. Our troops don't have enough guns.

US Army regular soldiers using AK-47s is very significant -- the U.S. and Soviet style of armament have long been the Coke and Pepsi of the developing world's militaries. Many countries (such as Iraq) have gone towards the Soviet line of products simply because they are cheap, readily available, and rip-off replacement parts are made everywhere. The M-16 and the AK-47 are examples of two totally different schools of thought: the M-16 is much more accurate and fires a smaller round -- I'm told it's more precise all around. It requires a lot of maintenance, however, and jams under adverse conditions. The AK is much cheaper and will work anywhere -- in dust, in mud, after being rained on and neglected. It may be a more suitable weapon for our soldiers to be carrying in the circumstances.

But the M-16 is our weapon. We invented it, we produce it. It is our standard. We aren't out shopping from a third party. This is analagous to Microsoft employees buying Macs to use at home -- it's an admission that something isn't working.

We aren't alone in this: British soldiers apparently have to buy their own equipment (including boots, after their standard-issue melt off their feet.)

What a world, I tell you.

UPDATE: I am not a gun nut. I fired a shotgun and a .22 rifle a time or two during my youth in Mississippi, and a .38 police revolver once. (Until a guy showed up and said, "Will you boys stop shooting towards my house?")

posted by Carlton at 11:01 AM

BIG LIES

Some provocative prose from Joe Conanson's new book:

If your workplace is safe; if your children go to school rather than being forced into labor; if you are paid a living wage, including overtime; if you enjoy a 40-hour week and you are allowed to join a union to protect your rights -- you can thank liberals. If your food is not poisoned and your water is drinkable -- you can thank liberals. If your parents are eligible for Medicare and Social Security, so they can grow old in dignity without bankrupting your family -- you can thank liberals. If our rivers are getting cleaner and our air isn't black with pollution; if our wilderness is protected and our countryside is still green -- you can thank liberals. If people of all races can share the same public facilities; if everyone has the right to vote; if couples fall in love and marry regardless of race; if we have finally begun to transcend a segregated society -- you can thank liberals. Progressive innovations like those and so many others were achieved by long, difficult struggles against entrenched power. What defined conservatism, and conservatives, was their opposition to every one of those advances. The country we know and love today was built by those victories for liberalism -- with the support of the American people.

Link to the first chapter via Tom Tomorrow, at left. By the way, I just got the Tom Tomorrow book in the mail, and it is pretty fab. I should be getting Al Franken's book pretty soon (it was supposed to be a present for someone near and dear, but she foiled that one by getting it herself.) This should all put me on a list in a file somewhere in John Ashcroft's office. posted by Carlton at 12:27 AM

HEH. INDEED.

This cartoon is pretty funny.

-bzzzt!- It sucks! -bzzzzt!- posted by Carlton at 11:48 AM

THE SMELL OF FEAR

John Ashcroft seems to have some peculiar security concerns:

"You’re going to have to stand back," [the Secret Service Man] said. "We have to take precautions, in case you were thinking of throwing acid on the attorney general."

I shook my head, stunned and amused. "In case we decided to throw acid on the attorney general? Specifically in case of that?"

"That’s right," he said, folding his arms, "In case you decided to throw acid at the attorney general."

I hear that's a big problem these days.

posted by Carlton at 2:51 PM

LATE FEES

Attention Postal Service! Please deliver my Visa Bill to the SAME address as ALL MY OTHER !@#$ing mail! Otherwise, I might MISS A PAYMENT and incur you know what's.

Ugh. posted by Carlton at 10:46 PM

MY NEW JOB

Evidently, I'm the new speechwriter for Gray Davis:

This recall is bigger than California. What's happening here is part of an ongoing national effort to steal elections Republicans cannot win.

It started with the impeachment of President Clinton, when the Republicans could not beat him in 1996. It continued in Florida, where they stopped the vote count, depriving thousands of Americans of the right to vote.

This year, they're trying to steal additional congressional seats in Colorado and Texas, overturning legal redistricting plans. Here in California, the Republicans lost the governor's race last November. Now they're trying to use this recall to seize control of California just before the next presidential election.

Compare with my post from July 9 of this year:

It looks like there will be a recall election in California, for a governor who was legitimately elected less than a year ago. This, plus the redistricting mess in Texas, plus the impeachment of Bill Clinton, plus the 2000 debacle, plus the weird controversy over a Republican owning a big stake in the company that makes all those voting machines (heard about that?) is just more evidence of a simple fact: the Republicans are working to destroy our democracy. Fundamentally, they disagree with the idea that there should be rules that apply to everyone, and that when you get fewer votes, the other guy gets elected. They are deliberately setting out to unmake elections which do not go their way, or to change the rules (districts in Texas, filibusters in the Senate), so that there is no competition in future democratic processes. They believe the rules should always favor them, and they are working to institutionalize the principle.

That cracks me up.


-bzzzt!- He stole your schtick! Kneecap the SOB! -bzzzt!-
posted by Carlton at 8:49 AM

WELL, WE KNEW THAT

So, apparently the fact that Star Trek has sucked for some time now has given rise to some legal action.
You haven't heard ME talking about Enterprise lately, have you?

They'll put it to bed, and then ten or fifteen years from now there will be a revival, and some more money will be made and some more mediocre actors will leap at the chance to "remodulate" their careers into typecast hell. Man, I hate Star Trek. posted by Carlton at 3:16 PM

DUMB IDEA

So, Maybe former general Wesley Clark will run for president -- he says that he will decide in the next couple of weeks. Consenseus is that he'd be a good candidate. He's got the national security cred sewn up, he's from Arkansas, seems pretty moderate overall. Most people assume he will run as a Democrat.

But . . . but . . . but . . . what if, just what if, he ran as a Republican? Made W debate him in the primaries? Made W talk about his military "strategery" and how Iraq is going so great -- made W explain himself to a former general on nationwide television?

Oh, that would be sweet.

I'm sure it won't happen. posted by Carlton at 9:14 AM

SCORE!!!!

This morning at about 8 AM I became the first person to SCORE in our little Dead Pool -- with Idi Amin! Bless you, Idi -- this may be the only good thing you ever did for anyone in your whole stinking life!

We are still accepting applications, actually, if anyone wishes to join. Rules are posted here. posted by Carlton at 10:31 AM

AND I THOUGHT I WAS A BEER . . .


Congratulations! You're a Long Island Iced Tea!


What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
posted by Carlton at 10:10 AM

A HEART THAT'S FULL UP LIKE A LANDFILL

I attended the Radiohead concert on Wednesday night in Mansfield, Mass, which was great. The band played my FAVORITE song, "No Surprises", as an encore. If you're not familiar with this song (shame on you!), it's a relatively slow, quiet song about one person's desperation and alienation, sung from that person's point of view. At one point the narrator grouses, "Bring down the Government/They don't, they don't speak for us." Upon hearing that line, the crown CHEERED, which gave me chills.

Someone needs to tap this feeling, and fast. posted by Carlton at 9:45 AM

POWER

I've just heard about these major power outages in NYC, Detroit and elsewhere. What does it mean?

UPDATE: It's nuttin, really. posted by Carlton at 5:03 PM

BILL

A sixtyish second cousin of mine died unexpectedly last year. Bill was a nice fellow who didn't treat himself well -- he was overweight and in bad shape otherwise; he had a history of heart problems. Still, his death was unexpected.

Based on a bunch of circumstantial evidence and some very stereotypical inferences (the large collections of Wedgewood china and Waterford crystal do point one in a certain direction . . . ), I think Bill was gay. I think the reason he moved away from his family in rural Alabama to the New Orleans area when he was young was to be able to live his life as he needed to live it without alienating his kinfolk. If this is the case, he did a really good job -- subsequent to his death, I have heard family members complain about what a crying shame it was that Bill never married, and how there was a very nice girl once (or maybe more than one) who wanted to marry Bill, but he just wasn't interested . . . they never seem to hear the ellipses that follow their own statements. It is a shame about Bill -- he ended his life alone, although he had many friends, and seemed dispirited in later years, as though he had given up. He was discovered by a female friend who came by when he didn't answer his phone. It's a sad story.

It appears that Gayness is going to be a really big issue in the coming months. Like most people, I see the issues through the lens of the people I know -- friends from college and grad school, the lesbian couple for whom I prepared estate planning documents, and Bill. When the world was younger, everyone (gay and straight) was just trying to get their rocks off with someone attractive. Now, everyone wants to get married -- in my conversations with my lesbian clients, I must have said, "because you two aren't legally married" a hundred times. Bill remains a mystery, although I know what I think.

I don't see how this society can withhold the benefits of civil marriage from gay people for much longer. It is simply a question of freedom -- the sexual acts are not prohibited, and most people agree that adults should be able to arrange their lives as they see fit. Persons who want partners of the same sex are in the minority, to be sure, but our society is premised on the notion that the minority's rights are protected. The people who protest that the institution of marriage needs protecting from gay couples are making a religious/moral decision that -- in my opinion -- is outside the authority of the government to make.

That said, I think that our language needs some fine-tuning. This debate is peeling off some layers of the word "marriage" that most people (i.e. me) don't think about very much. I support extending all the rights and benefits (tax status, health care, etc) of marriage to gays and lesbians, along with the necessary hassles of getting into and out of the status of civil marriage. Many people have no interest in pursuing this status at any point in their lives; some are desperate for it; most people are willing if they meet "the right person".

What can't be legislated, however, is the aspect of marriage that is not civil, but social -- the implicit approval of society. What is fornication one day is blessed marital consortium the next, with the difference being simply a magical spell spoken by a wizard over the couple. Bastards become legitimate, whores become wives, the subversive is made orthodox. My lesbian clients would take advantage of a civil marriage in a heartbeat (indeed, they have already had a ceremony with rings, etc, in Vermont), and would not care that a great many people in this country would regard their union as illegitemate, sacreligious, etc. Cousin Bill, I hypothesize, might not have made that leap -- since his family was both vitally important to him and completely intolerant of his kind.

It is important to make this distinction -- gay couples who are married will never have the approval portion of the concept from a large percentage of Americans. I would have given it to Bill -- I hate to think that he could have lived a happier life but for the rest of us. posted by Carlton at 4:41 PM

CONDOLENCES

I was very sorry to hear about Shelley's father. There's not much else to say. posted by Carlton at 5:39 PM

MISCELLANY

1. I took an online French test:

You are at the Advanced Intermediate level.
You scored 118 points out of 150.

You scored 78% overall.

My vocab is better than my grammar. I could have told you that!

2. I am really quite idle at work these days.

3. High School friend Heather is still in Kuwait, sweltering in the sun. She sent me a picture of herself in (what looks to me like) full combat gear riding in a Humvee.

4. Drove Buzzy (the car) to Montreal with Ms. Twink this weekend, it was a good time. Couldn't understand crap (hence the French test).

posted by Carlton at 5:38 PM

WHAT THE HELL

is this? posted by Carlton at 1:30 PM

THE DEATH OF IRONY or THE DEATH OF SINGING A SONG ALL THE WAY THROUGH

A week or so ago, inscrutable fates and irresistable forces conspired to take me somewhere I would never have expected: The American Idols Live concert in Worcester, Massachusetts. This is a show where the better of the contestants from thie season's show appear live onstage, performing abbreviated versions of songs you've heard before. There's Ruben and Clay, of course, and a couple of other miscellaneous trashy dudes and skanky hoes.

The reason I was there, in my defense, was to humor the Princess, the fifteen year-old sister of Molly Twinkelstein. When the Princess wants to do something, I have been told, she normally is able to do it. This time, I was her enabler, along with Molly herself. Actually, she and I get along pretty well, and it was really not a problem.

To say the show was cheeseball is a total understatement: to make it through the show, you had to check your cheese sensor at the door. There were pyrotechnics, large screen graphics of sunsets and butterflies, plenty of machine-produced fog, costumes galore. The songs were simple retreads of hits from days gone by, with canned patter in between. It was all deadly, seriously, unself-consciously earnest. It was not terrible, actually, but it was earnest.

[Americans ARE really fat, by the way. There was a big fat family sitting in the seats ahead of us, eating snowcones out of these special plastic cups with a light in the bottom so the snowcone glowed green -- it must have been hard for them to fit in the seats.]

I was actually affected at one moment: Ruben (I know all their names, I watched the show with Molly, I admit it) sang an abbreviated version (naturally) of "Imagine", by John Lennon, a song I had been thinking about quite a bit that week. I have always thought that it is one of those songs that is so simple and profound that it became an instant cliche -- the kind of song you know how to play on the piano if you only know how to play one song on the piano. It had been in my head for a few days, mostly as a soundtrack to all the horrible news coming out of Iraq, and when Ruben sang a verse and a chorus I found myself welling up. (He is a pretty good singer -- I think they gave him some training between the end of the show and the tour.) Maybe we could all live as one.

And then, of course, they segued into "I'm Proud To Be An American", by Lee Greenwood, and all the other contestants came out waving oversized American flags. Fireworks went off. I decided not to throw up right there in front of the Princess and Molly, so we just went home. posted by Carlton at 5:17 PM

REAL POLITICAL DRAMA

This is why politics is better than sports:

Finally, one British reporter shouted out: "Have you got blood on your hands, Prime Minister? Are you going to resign over this?"

Blair froze. He stood uncomfortable and silent at the lectern for what must have seemed like the longest 30 seconds of his political career, until Koizumi called a merciful end to the press conference. posted by Carlton at 4:50 PM