Gentle Reader -- You are welcome to peruse my web-based journal. I assure you that my contributions to this medium will be both infrequent and inconsequential. Read on!

EXHAUSTED

Is what I am. These three day weeks really do kill ya. I'm going home to get a disco nap before heading over to Molly's. Should be a fun evening.

And here is the latest compilation of what dems are politely (too politely!) calling Bush's "credibility gap". posted by Carlton at 6:45 PM

TAX ADVICE

Believe it or not, Greg, I have no idea what you should do. Have your parents call an accountant, is my advice.

posted by Carlton at 6:35 PM

ARCHIVES ARE FIXED

Maybe Blogger DOES like me!

(Nah!) posted by Carlton at 4:08 PM

IN HONOR OF TAX SEASON

Here's the updated article the IRS puts out about why you have to pay your taxes (or rather, why your reasons for not paying taxes are no good). posted by Carlton at 1:04 PM

LOOK AWAY, PART II

Here I still am, visiting my parents' home in 'Sippi. I'm lucky that my folks "have the internet" -- otherwise I'd be cut off from you fine people. My father or brother has set the date/time feature on the screen here to say "8:30 PM on this the Lord's Day Monday, February 24."

Did I mention that I'm glad I didn't take the Mississippi Bar? Interestingly, the headline of the Jackson Clarion -Ledger today says something like "Jackson Declared Emergency Zone" because of major flooding that is occurring as we speak. This may not have affected the exam at all -- but either way, it's one more little nuisance that I don't have to fool with. I picture myself arriving at the test site the morning of the exam disheviled and exhausted after having driven all night in a rental car from Cincinnati, only to discover that the whole place is submerged beneath the mighty flood waters of the Pearl River. Maybe that actually happened -- I don't know because I am NOT THERE!

On the day of my arrival here, my parents received a letter from my nephew, Vincent, who is in the second grade. His class is writing letters to people in other states, asking such burning questions as: "What do you like to do in your state?" and "Do you have any interesting weather events, like hurricanes or tornadoes?" (We decided that the class copied these questions off the board.) The answer to the first question is fairly involved, of course, but I imagine it has to include attending church, homeschooling and going to two-for-one all-you-can-eat buffets at the local KFC. If you have never been to 'Sippi, you will have no idea the extent to which these three things are interrelated. The answer to the second question is, of course, yes.

(Q: What's the difference between a Mississippi divorce and a Mississippi tornado?
A: Don't matter none, either way somebody's losin' a trailer.)

Back in Boston tomorrow. Talk to y'all then. posted by Carlton at 9:46 PM

HEH

An answer to all you Orange Alert questions can be found here. posted by Carlton at 3:53 PM

LOOK AWAY

Greetings to all from the Land of Cotton – I am here on the ticket that was originally destined to convey me to the bar exam in Jackson. If you’ve been reading, you know what has happened to that little project.

It’s a good thing I wasn’t coming to take the exam, since Cincinnati was fogged in and I would have had to stay there overnight if I had needed to actually go to Jackson. For whatever reason, the plane going to New Orleans was rarin’ to go, so I took that one instead. Both cities are about 2 hours from my parents’ house, and it was simply a matter of arranging a pickup in the Big Easy rather than Chimneyville. Note: this is probably the only situation in which those two cities are considered equivalent.

My bag, unfortunately, did not make the switch, so we are wondering when the airline will deliver it. Sometime soon, I hope, or else I’ll have to steal down to Wal-Mart and buy some underwear. I do have some clothes here in Hattiesburg, but mostly stuff like my Cub Scout uniform and T-shirts from summer camp when I was in the 8th grade. Maybe Greg can continue to wear his favorite shirt from junior high, but that option is really not available to me.

So, if I had been coming for the exam, I probably would have been stuck in Ohio without my study materials (most of which, I imagine, would have been in my suitcase). That would have made me even more unhappy than taking the exam itself.

Instead, however, I am very happy -- and I think I finally have my mind right.

*twink*
posted by Carlton at 3:49 PM

HEY SCHLUMPY

They're talking about you over on Ms. Twink's site! You should go check it out! posted by Carlton at 3:37 PM

TRUE TO FORM

Ah yes . . . VERY boring posts.

Whatever! posted by Carlton at 11:40 PM

PROTEST

The protests of the last weekend blew me away, frankly. Admittedly, I'm much more of a spectator than a participant in the political scene, but my heart really leapt to read about the vast outpouring of opposition to Mr. Bush that took place literally all over the globe. I truly hate what this administration is doing on all fronts, and the way it has gone about its business. My fondest wish is that we are seeing the first cracks in the foundation that herald the whole business coming down around Mr. Bush's ears. (Unfortunately, I don't think he'll ever quite understand what he's done wrong.)

Paradoxically, I think that this current awful situation may ultimately be good for all the organizations that Bush et al are trying to subvert or destroy: the UN, NATO, the International Criminal Court. The reason is this: nothing whets the global appetite for international mediating and judicial bodies than international crime, or "countries behaving badly". Depending on how this turns out, Mr. Bush's ill-timed, ill-managed, ill-planned actions against Iraq may show the world (us included) that there needs to be a super-national system of enforceable laws that even the U.S. must obey.

But why should I care as long as the gas is cheap? posted by Carlton at 9:57 PM

WHEELS WHEN YOU WANT THEM

My new links are three: Ms. Twink/Molly's weblog, which invites us to behold her radiance (and if you never have beheld it, let me tell ya, it's sumpthin else!); Bartcop, a political site which I enjoy; and Zipcar, which is how I get around when I have to go on four wheels.

I've spent a lot of the past year explaining how Zipcar works; they should pay me. It exists in Boston and New York and D.C. Zipcar owns these cars (usually Civics, Beetles, Golfs, etc.). Each car has its own designated parking spot somewhere in the city. You go to the website and find the one nearest to you (the one I often use is a Ford Focus Wagon, codenamed Floyd) and reserve it. When your scheduled time comes, you go to the car and unlock it with a magnetic card; the ignition key is in the car. You pay for it by the hour, in addition to a $30/month membership fee. I think Floyd is $6.00 an hour. Best of all, the cost includes car insurance AND gas! There is a gas card in the car that will work at most gas stations. It's really a fabulous service, and much more efficient than owning your own car, especially down in the student ghetto where I live where there is no place to park.

So the other day I was driving this Zipcar around Jamaica Plain -- it was a Prius (codenamed Pepe), a hybrid car with both a gasoline and an electric engine. Pepe was a strange car to drive, since the gasoline engine turns off at stoplights, making you think that the car has died. Anyway, I was getting a bunch of waves and "thumbs up" signs from other drivers -- which is pretty unusual in Boston, to say the least. I suddenly realized that I was being the most civically responsible driver I could possibly be -- participating in this Commie car-sharing system and the car itself being a 40 mpg rice rocket. Take that, Dick Cheney!

No, there is no point to this story. But I was burning to tell it! posted by Carlton at 9:41 PM

CRAZY AFTERNOON

Alls I gots to say is that this was one crazy afternoon. For me, a guy that is normally on a very even keel emotionally, it was a roller coaster ride. Laughter, tears, nausea, Pad Thai. Forgive me for not getting into the details with you fine folks; that is sort of against my Wall of Privacy principles. More importantly, I don't see how the story would be worth the telling. It would not survive.

All is well now, however.
posted by Carlton at 9:25 PM

HOWDY FOLKS

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to announce that I am an ass. I don't know what my problem is, specifically, but I'm just a total nimrod in certain areas.

(Tell us something we don't know, mutters the crowd in unison.)

I need to get my mind right. What's more, I want to get my mind right. I'm just having some trouble, izzall.

(So get it right, is the consensus of those assembled. What's the big problem?)

If I knew THAT, I'd be most of the way there. I'm going insane.

(The crowd takes an informal poll. The result: He's not worth the bother.)

And that, my friends, is what I fear the most.
posted by Carlton at 6:02 PM

ARCHIVE TROUBLE

I have been trying to do something about these here archives. I keep changing the settings etc. and guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS.

Blogger doesn't like me anymore. posted by Carlton at 7:01 PM

MEET THE PARENTS

As Molly (d/b/a Ms. Twink) mentioned on her blog, I was recently introduced to her parents. I thought it went quite well, considering that it had been built into kind of a big deal.

It became a big deal through the passage of time, since Molly and I have been seeing each other for some months now, and her parents live in the city. (By a strange co-incidence, Molly met MY parents -- who live in Mississippi -- around Thanksgiving, when they were up at my sister's in Maine.) I was in no real hurry to meet her parents, although I figured that I would do so soon enough. I was pretty confident about the whole thing; frankly, parents tend to like me, and I am generally prepared to like them. But it didn't happen. And it continued not to happen. And I guess Molly's folks would get dribs and drabs of information about me -- that I exist, that we are going out, that I'm from Mississippi, that I'm a lawyer, etc.

And time kept passing. Her parents started to make veiled references to meeting me -- or so I was told. And the references became less and less veiled. "You can bring Carlton around here sometime, if you want," became the tone. "When are we going to meet this guy?" I could tell they were getting anxious.

So we arranged it, and tried to make it casual. I would have a car on Mom's birthday, so maybe I would drop off Molly and her middle sister at the folks' house. Maybe I wouldn't. I didn't expect to stay very long, but I figured it would allay some of their anxieties simply to lay eyes on me. I would eat some cake and make my getaway.

Well, we arrived and the dog was penned up and the table was set with the good dishes and a nice dinner was ready -- at 3:30 pm. So, it was a little less casual than I had hoped. A nice Sunday visit.

But it went well.
posted by Carlton at 5:08 PM

NEOLOGISM

All those who were opposed to Ms Twink's time on this page, be proud to be antidisencarltonstablishmentarians!

posted by Carlton at 5:08 PM

THE ANSWER IS Y-E-S

Yes, Greg -- the Magnolia State will have to do without me for, well, forever. When I signed up to take the exam, it seemed like a decent idea -- things looked to be falling apart here, and I do have some contacts back home (I received a phone call about a job in Hattiesburg from an attorney who just saw my bar application, for example). It was a kind of career insurance (pronounced IN-surance, naturally).

After my trip home for Christmas, and some soul searching, and a successful merger of my old firm with the new one, I have decided that insurance is something that I don't need in this situation. I live in Boston, and I am building my legal career here. Having the bar in MS would be like walking around with a bus ticket in my pocket -- it would be a constant temptation to use it, or to rely on its existence as justification for underperforming here. Plus, as we can all probably agree, MS is no paradise.

(Not to mention that studying for the thing was S-U-C-K-I-N-G to beat the band.)

That's the story, morning glory. posted by Carlton at 4:53 PM

I HAVE RETURNED

The long nightmare of this page's domination by the Usurper is over! Throw off your chains, citizens of Planet Carlton! Your rightful ruler reclaims his throne!

(Now put those chains back on!)

Actually, I thank the lovely Ms. Twink for her assistance in my absence. She has her own blog (with one fabulous entry) that appears here. Add it to your list of must-reads. (Apropos of nothing, I have to say that she is the best ever. Forget sliced bread, electric light and all other likely comparisons.)

Why have I returned earlier than I had planned? Friends, I got into it and realized that taking the Mississippi Bar was a really, really dumb idea, and that succeeding in that endeavour would be more harmful than not undertaking it at all. So, I put my books away and resumed my normal existence. This was a fairly meaningful decision on my part, but I don't think I can write about it right now.


posted by Carlton at 11:15 PM

HEAR YE, HEAR YE

Let it be known that I have the best boyfriend ever. He deserves, to quote a Simpsons episode, an Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence.

This message was paid for by Carlton W. King posted by Carlton at 4:25 PM

IT'S LIKE THIS AND LIKE THAT AND LIKE THIS, AND...HUH?

There comes a time in a young woman's life, when the propagandaic terror alert has bubbled up to Orange, when we're all supposed to be buying duct tape and awaiting further instructions, and ex-coworkers are having creepy premonitory nightmares, when the only option seems to be to leave work early and drink way too much wine. I'm not saying that's what I did last night, but my eyes hurt.

What follows is perhaps the most inane dialogue ever to take place regarding weapons inspection in Iraq, inspired by the latest email from CNN.

CNN Breaking News Alert:
-- Chief weapons inspector reports to U.N. that no weapons of mass destruction found to date in Iraq, but many items unaccounted for.

I don't understand why Iraq can't have weapons? So the UN decides who can have weapons and how far they can travel and how many they can have?

Uh..I guess? Maybe the UN is like: "We'll buy oil from you if you promise you don't have these weapons, dawg."

Yeah, it's so retarded. Hans is talking to the UN now on WBZ....well, a while ago he was.. live.

What's he saying?

Talking about the weapons in Iraq. blah blah

blah..blah blah....and then we looked under the couch for weapons of mass destruction..then behind the fridge..

hickup.....burp.......

..then we were like, whatever.. so we ordered a pizza....

drank a keg ....yawn

Then the next morning we got our shit together & we left but then I totally realized that we forgot to finish looking for the weapons!

...so we just assume that they were around somewhere. Those are our findings.
Peace out!

posted by Carlton at 11:40 AM

MOON KID

Is it me, folks, or is love in the air? [Groaan] Let's talk about those none-too-yummy but oh-so-fun bastions of Valentine's Day.. conversation hearts. Every year, apparently, there is a new, allegedly timely addition to the family (to complement those outdated notions of "Love You" and "Be Mine"). For example, one year it was "E-mail Me"..this year it's "Book Club" ("Because they're so popular now!" squawks my mother, who is happily ensconced in one of her own). Anyway, one year-- around 1994, I think -- the special guest heart was... "Moon Kid". I remember my little sister (who was 5 or 6 at the time) identifying really strongly with this particular conversation heart, because it was so bizarre.

"What's a Moon Kid?" "Uh..I don't know.." "You must know!" "OK, you. YOU are a Moon Kid." "Wheeee!" [then she runs off and does something crazy..like jump up and down on the couch, chanting]

My point is, what the hell is a Moon Kid? Does anyone know? I've been asking around for years, with no result.


posted by Carlton at 10:50 AM

DISH!!

Remember how I said two or so entries ago that Planet Carlton under my rule would be filled with crap about Ben and J-Lo? And how I was kidding (well, I hope that came across)? Well, it turns out that I wasn't-- because I know where and when they're getting married and it's a block from where I work.

Do I call the Enquirer? People? US Weekly? posted by Carlton at 5:46 PM

LENNY BRUCE IS NOT AFRAID

(Aside: I once sang [Shouted? Chanted?] "It's the End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" at a karaoke bar without looking at the words once, without missing a beat... and no one cheered. Nary a clap, I got! I mean, the lung power involved in itself is a feat of strength! Granted, no one in the place spoke English.. but I managed to feign enthusiasm for the Japanese pop songs. Maybe they just thought I was really angry and ranting not doing a song at all. "Look- a pissed-off American chick! Yawn." )

Could CNN stop sending me Breaking News emails, please? "North Korea can reach us with their ballistic missiles!" the latest one chirped (insert smiley). This is all getting distressing. A particularly paranoid friend informs me that someone on NPR suggests we should all have "terror kits". These kits should include plastic and tape to cover your windows. Luckily, because my apartment is owned by what is traditionally known as a "slumlord" we use that stuff to keep the heat in, anyway. Otherwise I'd just start having my boss send my paycheck directly to BostonGas.

I think our terror kits should reflect who we are. Mine will reflect my desire to drink Jack Daniels and smoke Lucky Strikes once the proverbial shit and fan meet. Actually, that's kind of a gross thought. Wine cooler and Capris? No..scratch that. Yoga tapes and a VCR. C'mon back, karma..

Oh, just kidding. Everything's going to be fine. Right? RIGHT! posted by Carlton at 2:17 PM

WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME/WHEN I AM BALD?

Last night I finally saw "Frida", a movie I've been meaning to see since it came out but have been repeatedly thwarted because some people can't 'handle' unibrowed bisexual female Mexican artists. Anyway, this movie is rife with hot chick-on-chick action, if that's your thing. It's neither here nor there as far as I'm concerned-- I'm just lookin' out for y'all. I never particularly cared for Frida Kahlo's art; I'm not a huge surrealism fan and actually always preferred that of her commie pig husband, Diego Rivera (Let me state for the record that the emphasis is on "pig", as he was a fat shit-- Kahlo was also a communist, as most of the wacky artists of the time were), but this movie did some interesting things with her paintings and I now have (bet you didn't see this coming) a greater appreciation for her art. It was a really cool movie, basically, is what I'm trying to say.. really heartbreaking but fun and bright... blah blah blah. Salma Hayek is growing on me. She even let her better half appear in the film as John D. Rockefeller, a role Edward Norton filled with the sleepily sanguine intensity of a man who has been schtupping Salma Hayek for years.

How I love him. posted by Carlton at 10:43 AM

JAWS OF LIFE

Let's not mince words. As discussed, this blog has taken a rapid descent in recent months. For this reason, along with the sad fact that we will be without Carlton's intrepid and original voice while he mires himself in the 'fetid swamp of insanity' (to reuse a favorite phrase) that is the preparation for the Mississippi Bar Exam ("But..why?" you might be tempted to ask. To which I would reply, "Exactly."), I will be taking over control of Planet Carlton for the next little while. It has been suggested that the decline of this blog is partially my fault [oh, by the way, I have been referred to in this space before as ..ahem.. "Ms Twink"], as Carlton no longer has as much quality time alone in his apartment watching his TV shows and "blogging" (God, I hate that word) about them.

How this site will be different under my regime:
[Idea: Once my guest-hosting duties are complete you, the readers, vote on your favorite "Carlton King", me or him. The winner gets his new apartment, and this blog! No backsies.]

1. I promise not to mention taxes, unless making fun of Carlton's proclivity for them.
2. Less George W. Bush... more J. Lo and Ben! Heh. Also, Spring Fashion Tips!

Other than that-- precisely the same. Not really..but I'll have to put off the rest until later, or I'll be writing this from home talking about what it's like to be unemployed. ('Cause I have work to do, get it?) posted by Carlton at 3:42 PM

HEY KIDS

So yeah, I haven't been writing much here lately. There are a couple of reasons, all of which boil down to the fact that I am terribly, terribly busy. I know that all of my regular readers are disappointed, crying yourselves to sleep at night. Give me a couple of weeks, folks. Actually three. Give me three weeks.

In the meantime, I'll try to find something to fill this space. Maybe someone out there will give me a hand? posted by Carlton at 10:12 PM

CONDO

So, after a bit of haggling (which was done in a bar, by the way), a willing buyer and a willing seller have agreed to a sale price for a certain two-bedroom condominium (second story in a triple-decker, if that means anything to you) in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts. I intend to get a roommate to help pay the mortgage, at least for a while -- so if you know anyone who needs a home in the Boston area for the summer, just let me know.

And NO, Ms. Twink is not moving in with me -- why is everyone asking that question? We've been going out for what, two weeks now? OK, it's been more like five months. Anyway, even if I were to cohabitate like a heathen hell-bound whoremonger with her, it's just too soon. (Although if we did, we'd be what the Census Department calls a POSSLQ -- "persons of the opposite sex sharing living quarters." That would almost be worth it.) posted by Carlton at 3:19 PM

HEY HEY

-----Original Message-----
From: Nixon Peabody LLP HR
Sent: Friday, February 07, 2003 2:31 PM
To: DL Boston Personnel
Cc: DL Office Administrators
Subject: It appears that our wonderful N.E. weather folks have done it again


Initial prognostications as to amount of snowfall are now proving to be underestimated.

In order that you all are able to find your way home safely today, if your immediate supervisor does not need you for work that must be completed today, we will be closing the office at 3:30.

If you don't need to leave early and can help out those who do, call HR and let them know of your availability.

Reception and switchboard will close at 6:00
Services last mail pickup will be at 5:30, closing at 6:00
IPC (word processing) will close at 5:00 PLEASE CALL THE IPC AT EXT 5008 NOW IF YOU REQUIRE WORK TO BE DONE AFTER 5:00 SO THAT THEY CAN ARRANGE FOR SOMEONE TO STAY.

Get home safely and have a good weekend. posted by Carlton at 3:11 PM

STOOD UP

I was supposed to meet a guy tonight and make an offer on his condo, but he bagged out on me. I'm wound up like a watchspring over this -- to me, this is a big fat deal involving most of my worldly wealth -- and he's all "Oh, you know, I just got back into town from Florida, and I wonder if we could get together tomorrow or something."

Yeah, tomorrow will be fine. posted by Carlton at 9:29 PM

PICKERING

Someone asked me how I know Charles Pickering. He is the Federal District Court Judge who serves my hometown of Hattiesburg, Mississippi, and is well known there. My parents esteem him (unironically) to be a "fine Christian man". We met when I went home to interview for a clerkship in his chambers, which is sort of a funny story but one I don't have time to tell tonight. We did not care for one another, frankly, and I was not invited to clerk for him. posted by Carlton at 7:01 PM

DOWN THE GARDEN PATH

Well, Bush is forging on, heedless of criticism, facts or reason. Recent news stories indicate that our intelligence agencies are being pressured to find links between Saddam and Al-Quaeda. More than likely those links do not exist, since the two are working at cross purposes and are actually enemies of each other.

The reasoning of the administration for the coming war with Iraq is beyond ideological (especially since I don't think Bush has an ideology that is easily articulable -- by him or anyone else). It is passionnate, emotional, theological -- the kind of reasons that make perfect sense at a Wednesday night Prayer Meeting but not so much coming from the Oval Office. I listen to this man, see the smirk on his face, see the torturous twisting that his underlings go through to make his pronouncements fit the facts, and I am afraid. The sheer vacuousness of what is coming out of Washington, the circularity of the arguments, the self-righteousness and reductionalism inherent in the use of the word "evil" -- I fear for us all.

In a previous post, I stated that Bush's opponents (weak as they are) are actually helping him by holding him back; if he was truly unfettered and able to put his vision into effect, he would destroy himself. Usually we keep children from playing with matches. posted by Carlton at 6:56 PM

TRAFFIC

I thought that no one was reading my page anymore . . . it turns out that I have pimply teenage critics, political spammers AND a couple of friends out there. Nice! posted by Carlton at 6:49 PM